Thursday, April 5, 2012

Seizures and Frustration

I am sure life's biggest paradox is parenthood.  Children are so wonderful and bring so much joy.  A song in my heart that I could never have known without them.  I whistle this song everyday.  But with this joy comes pain.  A pain that I never knew before having children.  The pain of watching your eye's apple suffer. 

When Liam was born, my first baby, the one that gave me the honour of becoming a mother, I vowed to never let anyone/thing hurt him.  I never wanted him to experience pain.  I also knew that there was going to be pain in his life.  We live in this world, a prison of sin, afterall.

photo taken last winter

I have spoken of seizures before.  And since that post, Liam suffered another seizure.  This time we saw it.  This time we were driving, following someone so didn't quite know where we were.

Moments before, I looked at him, from the passenger seat.  Then heard a strange noise and turned to see his little body seized with spasms and shaking.  His eyes open and rolled back in odd directions.  His hands up and contorted, twisted.  I screamed at Rick to stop the car.  I flew out of the car, around to Liam and  . . . couldn't. do. a. thing.  I had to watch him in this state until it was over.  We rang an ambulance.  We had a good samaritan stop for us.  And as my husband held him in his arms, I broke down.  The 000 operator was so calm.

The last time I found Liam in what is called a post-ictal state, that is to say, the state his body goes into after a seizure.  He is unconcious yet cries.  He does not respond to voice, shaking or even pinching!  He doesn't breathe evenly.  In fact, it is reported that some people after a seizure look almost dead!  Pale and blue, limp and unresponsive.  When I found him like that one morning about a month ago, I rang the doctor and he basically said that if the seizure wasn't witnessed then he can't be sure it happened.  F R U S T R A T I N G.  What is this, the tree falling in the forest?  Is there no value in Mother's Instinct?  My own intelligence?

Sleeping it off in Emergeny Department.  Seizures use as much energy as running a marathon!

The doctor believes me now.  This week we will be investigating Liam's seizures further.  What can they do when an MRI and EEG come up with nothing?

Recovery, after MRI last February

Liam trying not very hard to keep still and not touch the wires during his EEG

I have been composing plenty of knee-mail lately.  He listens.  He comforts. When I feel like the worst mother in the world, I ask Him "are you sure I was meant to be this precious little man's mother?  I can't hold it together.  I am not smart enough!".  And then I just look at Liam's beautiful smile and know the love and trust God has for me to be his mummy.

I just want to add a special thank you to Jarrod and Julie.  Thanks so much for caring for us when all this was happening.


Hey thanks for popping by! I read all your comments and really try and get to your blog too. Despite my good intentions, I don't always reply to each message but I am very grateful for the time you take in sharing your thoughts with me. Word verification is back up because I am getting spammed big time. So thanks for taking that extra step in commenting. Blessings, Fi xxxxx

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